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Monday, April 14, 2008


It's a good thing for several of my fellow Angelenos this morning that I am not the Goddess of Traffic, because I would have delivered some divine retribution upside their heads.

I wonder at the cause and effect: are arrogant jerks naturally drawn to driving BWMs (which I think stands for Bastard Motor Works), or do drivers become arrogant jerks through some sort of osmosis when they sit behind the wheel? The world may never know. Bonus fun points this morning: BMW being a total ass Versus BMW being major douche as they road raged on each other. They pulled off on the same exit. Hopefully it's a double elimination round and they both end up walking to work from now on.

Here's a clue to the middle-aged, comb-over man in the POS car - speeding up the side of the on-ramp past thirty cars who are politely merging, and then cutting in at the top of the ramp and causing three people to slam on their brakes does not make your penis bigger - but it does make you look like a dick. You're still a loser. I hope your POS car drops the transmission in your driveway tonight.

And dear huge Land Rover with the dealer plates still on it - are you f**king joking? Have you seen the price of gas? 14 miles per gallon and you just bought it? Come on. Your idea of off-roading is pulling off the boulevard into the valet parking at a mall. But your poor judgement aside - let's look at your particular sin this morning. There was half a mile of empty road behind me. Instead of fitting into that comfortable space, you charged up beside me and without signaling, wedged your behemoth car between me and the Saab in front of me. Annoying, but forgivable if you hadn't then proceeded to SLOW DOWN to 10 MPH under the speed limit so that I was trapped behind your fat ass while other cars whipped around and cut in front of you. Why me? You'd just come onto the freeway, so it isn't as if we had bad lane-change history behind us. To make to worse, when I got a chance to pass you, you hit your gas and closed up the quarter-mile gap you'd allowed to grow between you and the car in front of you in record time. To your chagrin, I stayed in the lane beside you and didn't try to cut over. You were spoiling for a fight. I could tell, because you kept glancing over at me while your chatted on your phone. I just wanted to get to work. Besides, I had to keep my eye on the two BMWs in front of us, because you know how they drive..... The Land Rover's punishment from the Goddess of Traffic? Already done. He'll pay every time he puts gas in that ridiculous-for-LA behemoth he just bought.


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